Our Journey

Our journey to growing our family has been longer than most. At first we thought we would just get pregnant when we stopped birth control. That didn't happen and at that time we weren't really worried about it. We had only been married a year and had enjoyed spending time with each other and figuring out this whole "married life" thing. About a year after stopping the birth control I decided to be a little more pro-active in our efforts of having children. So I researched different things about timing ovulation and started taking my temperature, and counting days, and tracking things on a calendar... it was frustrating and confusing. That didn't work. After a few months of that I decided to see a doctor. No offence intended to those who have studied for years and years and have unimaginable student loan debt and I'm sure have sacrificed a lot to become a doctor, but I don't like doctors. This doctor was my OBGYN. I was put on Clomed and Progesterone, "Take this for 3 months and it should work, if not come back and see me". 3 months later... "Lets keep trying this"... "this should work, 3 more months"... ("Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein). I must have been insane to keep doing what this doctor was suggesting. I figured he knew what he was doing.. That didn't work. So we decided to take a break. I later learned that Clomed if taken for more than 3 months acts more like a birth control than an aid to getting pregnant. 
During our break I got a call from my cousin who had a similar experience and she had just seen a fertility doctor and went through one cycle of hormone treatment that resulted in a pregnancy with twins. This same doctor was a friend of my mother-in-law's from when they both lived in Michigan years ago. We decided to see the fertility specialist. We were excited to finally be getting the treatments we needed. On our first visit we had an ultrasound done and I was diagnosed with PCOS and inovulation. Basically instead of releasing eggs to be fertilized they just turn into cysts and eventually dissolve, on top of that my body does not ovulate. So without some kind of medical intervention I cannot get pregnant. That was hard to hear but I had hope that this doctor really knew what he was doing and we would be able to have a baby. We did a cycle of artificial insemination, this procedure is less invasive and costs less than Invetro Fertilization (IVF). That didn't work. We were getting frustrated because the doctor told us our only other option is IVF. This is an expensive option. So we took another break to save money for another fertility treatment. In October 2010 we were finally ready. We got all the medication, our bedroom closet looked like a pharmacy. The calendar was marked every day for which drug I should be taking. My hip started to look like I was getting beat up from all the injections I was being shot up with. My hormones were all jacked up. We were excited and stressed and scared and hopeful all at the same time. The day of the harvest finally came, the doctor was only able to get 3 eggs and all 3 were fertilized in the office. 3 days later we implanted 2 embryos. I was technically pregnant. We had to wait 12 days to see if the embryos attached to the uterine wall and if I was actually pregnant. 12 DAYS IS A LONG TIME. In the meantime we decided to have Thanksgiving dinner at our house. We enjoyed the holiday and spent time with family. We talked about how we would announce our pregnancy to the family. Christmas morning was the plan, a cute gift to our parents from their future grandchild. That didn't work. The 12th day after implanting, the blood test was negative. We were devastated. We didn't know what to do. None of our family knew about the fertility treatment so we didn't really talk about it for a while to anyone except each other. My brother sent a Christmas card with a picture of their cute girls, the youngest one wearing a "big sister" shirt. I love my nieces but it was hard for me to be excited at that moment.
We knew we had to wait and save money to try again if that's what we wanted to do. The doctor was surprised when we only had 3 eggs available so he suggested we do a more aggressive form of IVF which would require more drugs and would develop more eggs. It took us a while to decide what we would do. We prayed about it and talked about it for a long time. We took another break. In April 2012 we decided to try again. Another round of IVF. Same thing as before but more powerful drugs. More whacked out hormones, bruised hips, ultrasounds at least once a week. It was working. We could see about 15 follicles that should be ready by the harvest day. I was so full of eggs I felt like a chicken. Finally it was time to lay my eggs. The doctor was able to get all 15 and fertilized 7, 3 days later only 4 embryos had survived the incubation period and we implanted 2. Here we go 12 more days... On day 12 I wanted to be with Ray when the doctor called to give us the results so I was at his work waiting for the call. When the phone rang we both ran outside to my car. "How long have you been trying to get pregnant?" The doctor asked. "Too long" I said. "Well your test results are back and you are definitely pregnant". I am pregnant! We were so excited! We sat in the car for a few minutes crying and laughing and thanking our Heavenly Father. We still didn't tell anybody about the treatment. We wanted to surprise our family with the news in a creative way. We decided to wait until our first ultrasound in 5 weeks before we told anyone. Fathers day would be the day our families found out. I was feeling good. I was happy. I was finally going to be a mom. We went to the ultrasound appointment and as the doctor was looking I could tell something was not right. One of the embryos had attached and started growing but just stopped at about 5 weeks and I would be having a miscarriage. I was 7 weeks along. Because of the hormones I was on we had to induce a miscarriage with medication. This was the worst day of my life. I cried more than I ever have. I felt horrible physically and emotionally. We were both crushed. Heartbroken. Devastated. There are no words we know that accurately describe our pain that day. We told our families about the miscarriage and were surrounded with their love and compassion. My boss was understanding throughout the entire process of both treatments, she allowed me to miss work for all my doctors appointments and was very sympathetic when I told her of the news. I thought I was strong enough to go to work the next Monday. I was wrong. I had to use my boss's office as an escape, I turned out the lights so no one could see me and sat there crying during her entire lunch break. I pulled myself together by the time she was back.
The next few weeks/months were really hard. Ray's sister had her beautiful baby and I really was happy for them. The baby blessing was the hardest. The tears would not stop and I was stuck in the middle of the pew surrounded by both sides of her family. I was so embarrassed. Day by day we got stronger. We thought we could still do another cycle of IVF with the other embryos but somehow "the doctors office had accidentally discarded them". This was another heartache. I never wanted to step into that office again. It seamed like every time we got our hopes up something would happen to crush them back down.
Ever since I was a kid all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mom. I was not going to let these "set-backs" stop that from happening. We love kids! I know we were meant to go through these trials of infertility to grow closer together as a couple, to grow closer to God and other reasons that we don't know about yet. Now that the fertility treatments are behind us we know that we were always supposed to adopt. We will be parents with the help of our Father in Heaven when we find the woman/couple who allows us to raise a child. This child has definitely been prayed for.
We started our adoption journey in August 2013. We have been using our blog as a way for people to get to know us and get the word out that we are hoping to adopt.